this is not the path I wanted us to take
by Merkanzee
Summary: Elijah, post 3x22. Elijah facing the knowledge that both his brother and the woman he loves are dead. Even the most stoic of men have something valueable to lose.


Elijah knew the moment he saw his sister.

It was in the way Rebekah's eyes were dark, but there was a small smirk on her face. His sister seemed pleased with herself, but he could tell by the way her shoulders were slumped forward, that she was being eaten from the inside out. He stepped forward, wanting to ask her where she'd been when they were supposed to have fled by now.

He had to keep his vow to Elena.

He would not fail her again.

After the crunch of leaves under his foot caught her attention and her head jerked up, Rebekah's eyes widened when she caught his eye. She actually seemed terrified in that moment and she stepped back, seemingly without realizing it. His head jerked to the side and his own eyes narrowed, but he didn't speak. He didn't need to because he knew his sister would tell him what was on her mind.

His stomach dropped without reason and he lost focus on his sister for a moment to register this surprising feeling. It was unprovoked, but suddenly he was filled with nauseau.

Snapping his head back up more sharply and still seeing that same deer in the headlights look on his sister's face, he stepped towards her again more quickly until he was right in front of her. He stared her down and she swallowed thickly. After a moment, she gasped and stuttered.

"I-I had to Elijah! There was no other choice! I couldn't let any more of us die!"

It took a moment.

A moment for his stomach to cave completely.

A moment for his throat to feel like it was closing shut.

Just a moment and he realized his treasure had been stolen from him, right under his nose.

She opened her mouth to speak again, but Elijah's hands had shot forward to grip her tightly on the shoulders.

"What-did-you-do?"

It was in between her hurried breathing and fluttering eyelids that Elijah squeezed the truth out of her, quite literally. When she finally said the words "Elena's dead", Elijah could have sworn his fangs had come out for the first time in a long time, but the next thing he really remembers is stepping back and punching a hole through the nearest mausoleum.

Elijah had been this close to snapping her neck. This. Close. He wanted to feel Rebekah be in as much pain as he was in right now. But he'd never laid a hand on her before and he wasn't going to start now.

But he wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to.

He turned his head, white hot rage flashing across his eyes and saw that his sister was still there, frozen in place.

"Elijah, I'm..."

"Leave."

It was the hardest moment of his long life. Maybe he's had harder, but right now, all he could think was of one thing, one person.

His beautiful Elena.

Dead.

Gone.

For good.

Even if Elijah should pass, he would not see her again. He'd done too much, worked too much evil to ever find peace.

First Niklaus, now Elena.

As soon as this thought crossed his mind, he felt his fist tighten and then the hard stone breaking against it.

Another place of rest, destroyed.

He would never have such a place.

Not now.

It had just died.

He knew he should keep it together. He knew that he had to keep calm. He felt his mind screaming to retain composure.

But honestly, right now, he really couldn't have cared less about what he was supposed to do.

Right now, he wanted to destroy. Something, anything. He needed to feel life being smothered in his hands. He wanted blood.

He'd denied himself of his desires for too long.

He looked up to the sky, seeing that it was calm and serene and he felt another rush of anger at the unfairness of it all. His teeth became sharp and elongated and he felt his face shift with his bloodlust.

What was the point of being good when there was nothing to be good for? The world had proven too many times that purity and honor were not meant to be longlived.

As he stood there, body twitching and writhing with his inner battle (which he was losing rapidly), he thought he felt something penetrate the darkness and anger engulfing him. It felt like a shot straight into his heart. It felt like pure sorrow and it horrified him more than the rage.

It was her voice.

It was Elena and she was calling him.

He swore he could feel her arms wrapping around him and all he could see was pure light. Elijah didn't know if it really was her or if his mind was playing tricks on him, but he didn't care. His body stopped its spasming and everything seemed to center in on the burning spot in his chest.

_Elijah... this is not who you are._

His eyes closed when he heard her voice surge through him and this feeling of Elena being his everything was both everything he'd desired and was taking him over.

_You are stronger than this. You won't break because of this._

_Elena, I..._

In a second that seemed to last hours, his knees hit the dirt and he felt every fiber of his being wanting to float away and join her.

_Let me go._

But the only thing that drifted up into the night was his anguished sob, which was followed by another and then another until the only thing he could hear was himself losing all that he'd become over time. Losing his long perfected control was nothing to losing what he'd wanted to be his future.

00000

There was a part of him that was glad that he hadn't lost control and drained the town dry. He didn't want a repeat of when he'd first been turned. It was the part that he'd clung to all this time, the part of him that had been focused purely on righting wrongs and doing what he had to. It was the part that he showed others to show them he was the one in power and it was the one that arrogantly whispered, "do not try to stand against me, you will surely perish."

It was that side of himself that he clung to now, hoping with all he could that he could persevere through this.

It was his other side, his heart, that was scrambling for the opposite though.

As he staggered through the dark and empty streets of a sleeping town, every step pounded in his brain in time with the wails of "Why bother going on?"

He knew that at any other point, he would feel this foolish and overdramatic and he had the rest of his family to look out for after all, but he couldn't feel that way now because it felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and he was forced to go on. He wasn't the type to lie to himself and feeling that his family, his reason for living on, his guide to humanity, his heart was no longer there, was more of a killer than the white ash dagger.

First Niklaus, then Elena.

He grit his teeth.

I have Rebekah. I have Kol. I need to look out for them. I have to be there for them.

His feet stopped and when he looked up, he was unsurprised to find himself at her home.

Her home when she had lived.

He didn't know how long he stood there, just looking up at her window and he didn't feel any urge to move. It was only when the front door opened and he saw her younger brother at the doorway that he moved at all. He was going to leave, but the young man spoke.

"Elijah. ...What are you doing here?"

Elijah was honestly speechless and wanted to comfort him because he knew the feeling of losing a sibling you loved dearly.

However, while Jeremy looked tired and distraught, there was a settled hopelessness in his eyes in place of grief.

Elijah moved to stand in front of him, steeling himself.

"I heard... about Elena. I wanted to..."

He didn't know what he wanted, but Jeremy seemed to figure it out because his head dropped and he sighed.

"She's inside. I'm sure she'd like to see you."

His brain fizzled and swirled and he couldn't even think of anything to say. He didn't know what to make of this. Had they brought her body back...? His shock must have shown on his face because Jeremy's head straightened back up and he pulled his mouth into a tight line. Jeremy turned around and walked back into the house, leaving the door open.

As Elijah stepped in the house and he felt her essence surround him again, his lightening heart was dashed to pieces again when he turned and saw Elena standing in front of him.

And he couldn't hear her heartbeat.

_No._


End file.
